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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24719824">Light After Darkness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeeAusten/pseuds/LeeAusten'>LeeAusten</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel supernatural - Freeform, M/M, Supernatural - Freeform, Supernatural Season 15, dean and castiel - Freeform, dean and castiel supernatural, dean castiel - Freeform, destiel spn, spn destiel - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:15:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,056</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24719824</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeeAusten/pseuds/LeeAusten</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>15x3 - After Dean sends Castiel to hell, a week passes with no sign of the angel coming back. Can he swallow his self-denial and pain to embrace that he's absolutely in love? And will be be able to bring Castiel back?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Light After Darkness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is dedicated to a prompt Connie Broxton. Thanks for making me think about it this way. After I looked at 15x3, I was so terrified when Dean ordered Cas to go into hell. I always wondered what he was thinking when he did it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was no way that the kind of pain he felt was absolutely normal.</p><p>Dean’s anger felt like sinking his soul into the fires of hell because really and truthfully, his worst mistake was coming to light. And because the guilt felt more like claws digging into his heart than bliss from satisfaction of dominance, he almost died from devastation.</p><p>It was one week now since he practically ordered Castiel to jump into the pits of hell. The torture experienced down there couldn’t quite spare even an angel from the worst kind of tragedy. But nevertheless, Dean’s desperation to prove his lack of care stretched a little too far. And now the inevitable was unfolding like a bloody battlefield with a million casualties.</p><p>He couldn’t really remember when he began to love Castiel enough to guiltily dream of making love to him. Maybe it was the last time the angel died and Dean felt like there was no hope left in his life. The inky blackness sunk its fangs into his heart and slowly but surely, he turned cold and dead from the poison coursing through his veins. And although his reward came gloriously from the universe bringing Castiel back to him, the anger still remained.</p><p>Why?</p><p>He couldn’t even begin to accept the painful truth of falling in love with another man. An angel, a celestial being that discovered the world in Dean’s eyes, fought effortlessly to protect him and above all, stayed by his side through many wars. The lows, the highs, the losses all bubbled up so much dread inside of Dean that Castiel’s comfort provided only warmth and assurance of good things to come.</p><p>But he couldn’t understand it at all. He couldn’t linger on the love because of the weakness associated with the feeling, so he fought for dominance in order to win back his power over Castiel. And because he needed to prove to himself more than ever that no one could throw his heart into a softened state, Dean sent the man he loved more than himself into hell to be ravished by the worst kind of demons.</p><p>“Dean, how could you be so stupid?” Sam flared up three days in a row after the deed was done. He tossed the brown satchel filled with weapons onto the map table and his chest heaved. “This is by far the worst thing you could possibly do! Suppose he’s down there tied up and being tortured, huh? Does that make you feel good about yourself?”</p><p>Fighting back the tears, Dean refused to show weakness so he chugged on some more beer and stared off at nothing.</p><p>“Look, I get that you’re angry all the time,” Sam never gave up easily. He lowered himself onto a chair nearby and searched his brother’s face. “I get that…certain <em>feelings</em> push you towards so much pain and self-denial but you’ve got to stop doing this, man. This isn’t about blaming Cas anymore about mom’s death. This is about your feelings for him. Oh, don’t give me that <em>look.</em>”</p><p>Dean rolled his eyes and lips pressed together, he bit down hard enough to stop himself from crying. Sam could have a go at him all he wanted but the fueled-up rage couldn’t change anything.</p><p>“I know that you’re in love with him, Dean,” Sam’s tone softened. “I’ve known for a long time and I didn’t say anything but I really should have because you’re filling yourself up with anger to replace the truth. And it’s not healthy at all. Nothing’s wrong with having feelings for another guy. And Cas isn’t just <em>any</em> other guy. He’s your freaking best friend. The one person who you turn to whenever something goes bump in the night.”</p><p>Seven days and no word from Castiel, no prayers answered, although he pleaded for one. So, naturally, Dean’s depression transgressed from a black cloud hovering over his head to picking up his gun and staring into the mouth for a long time.</p><p>He could never do it do. End it all. He couldn’t pull the trigger because he was too damn frightened to slip up and wind up in some hospital in terrible pain or on life support. And Sam couldn’t handle that kind of trauma.</p><p>But the worst part of it all, of making the worst decision of his life by shoving Castiel into hell, was the dreams that came after.</p><p>Sometimes the pretty steamy ones encompassed nothing more than a guilty and undying need to be turned over to Castiel’s wrath. He would lie in bed writhing on the sheets with the purposeful belief that the angel was pinning him down. And the sad part was the realness of the dreams. Feeling Castiel on top of him and knowing that if he could just keep sinking into the depths of unconsciousness, then the pleasure prolonged into a small slice of bliss.</p><p>But the nightmares left him shaking under a warm shower in the mornings. Dean wasn’t certain of how his nightmares were so vivid but he understood that the profound bond between himself and Castiel was perhaps anything but a myth.</p><p>An abundance of black eyes. The stink smell of rotten flesh and piss and darkness seeping in through every crack of the room. And then Castiel’s gravelly voice, small and so weak, calling out his name over and over again.</p><p>That was the worst part.</p><p>The sound was so real inside of Dean’s mind that he kept trying to drown the pain in alcohol but never accomplished the numbness required. It was worse than locking Michael inside of his head because Castiel’s pleas unhinged him in every possible way. And because it was his fault that led to the angel’s entrapment, Dean discovered that his anger was quickly replaced with the kind of desperation in search of answers.</p><p>Any way to bring the man he loved back. Whether he could, he wasn’t going to sit around and wallow in regret. Instead, after one week passed by and after Sam’s lamentations, Dean drove the Impala to the crossroads and summoned someone who could give him all the answers he needed.</p><p>She showed up smirking within a few seconds whilst Sam waited in the car, and because he was so angry with her kind, Dean felt like the devil’s trap wasn’t good enough for torture.</p><p>“Where the hell is he?” his voice was reduced to a hoarser quality deeply affected by emotions. “You tell me where he is or I’ll make you pay, you son of a bitch!”</p><p>Cackling, the demon stepped back and seemed impressed. “It’s in the grapevine that you sent your boyfriend to hell. So why are you angry now that we have him all to ourselves?”</p><p>“I swear I’ll –” when Dean advanced on her, demon knife posed for the ultimate end result, she faltered.</p><p>“Okay, fine! Fine!” smoothening her black dress, she sighed. “You Winchesters never want us to have fun. I get the feeling that you’ll break into hell soon enough to find the angel anyway. So let’s make a deal.”</p><p>“I’m not making any deals with you!” Dean’s cries reached his brother who pushed the door open and eased his way out of the car. “Bring him back right here right now and things wouldn’t get ugly for you! If I have to hunt all of you down and kill you one by one to send a message, then I will!” green eyes were on fire, his face contorted from the kind of rage that obviously unnerved the demon.</p><p>She stalled though, because being cornered when higher ranking authorities were calling the shots could only give her so much leverage.</p><p>“Don’t make me ask again,” Dean squared his shoulders. “Whoever your boss is, then get him up here if you can’t do it.”</p><p>“All good with me. You’ll be surprised to know that we now have a <em>Queen </em>down there. But knock yourself out.” Closing her eyes, fists gnarling into claws, the demon swept up enough wind around them to bend some trees.</p><p>Then within a span of three seconds, Sam came bolting towards his brother, evidently worried that the meeting was going sideways. But after skidding to a stop just outside the devil’s trap, his shock matched the older Winchester when no other than a dear old friend showed up.</p><p>Rowena, in all her glory and dressed in bright red, replaced the crossroads demon. She smiled sweetly. “Hello, boys.”</p><p>Dean, stunned and weakening from her appearance after believing that she died, turned jelly. So did Sam evidently who stared back and gasped.</p><p>“We thought you were dead!” Dean’s chest heaved from the relief of knowing now that he didn’t lose someone else that mattered to them. “How did you…”</p><p>“Dream big, I call it,” she smiled. “It wasn’t long after my feet landed on the ground in hell when I was swept away and asked to claim the throne. After my dear old boy, Fergus. Anyway, what can I do for you boys?”</p><p>“Cas,” Dean was so hoarse, he couldn’t breathe. “Rowena, don’t get me wrong. We’re glad to know that you’re okay and…obviously flourishing on the throne but we need your help. It’s…we don’t know where he is and it’s been a goddamn week already. If I have to beg, owe you a favor, I’ll do anything. But you have to find him and bring him back. Please.” Chest heaving uncontrollably, tears filled his eyes.</p><p>Immediately, Rowena sympathized and softened from the collapse of composure from the man who she had grown to care for in the most unfortunate ways.</p><p>“Darling, didn’t you send him there in the first place?”</p><p>“I did.”</p><p>“And it was the stupidest thing he’s ever done in his life,” Sam continued, supplying a bitch face. “Dean has some issues to work on and he’s been suffering because of his ignorance.”</p><p>The look the older Winchester pitched in his brother’s direction was anything but sympathetic or understanding. And immediately Rowena sighed.</p><p>“My boy, everyone knows that you’ve been pining over the angel,” she said with pitiful smile. “What I don’t understand is why you’re filling yourself up with so much hate to replace love. Castiel isn’t such a bad thing, is he? He’s adorable and sweet and feisty and a warrior. And he would perfectly match you in bed if you give him the chance.”</p><p>“Rowena,” Dean warned, clearly suffering from the delay in time. “Can you bring him back or not?”</p><p>“Well, I can,” she shrugged and glanced at the ground with a saddened look. “But I don’t think <em>that </em>will solve your problem, Dean. I’ve actually saved him from the wrath of my minions since yesterday. Don’t worry, he fought his way successfully. He’s safe and inside my chambers,” she offered him a sly look. “Oh, don’t look so jealous. I’d never touch what belongs to a Winchester without permission first…”</p><p>Sighing, Dean blinked up at the dark sky and tears rolled down his cheeks.</p><p>So Castiel wasn’t being tortured a day longer but was somewhere below them recovering from Dean’s worst decision. It wasn’t so bad because he felt relieved knowing that the angel wasn’t suffering anymore. But the real torture still resided inside of his chest and Rowena latched onto that feeling without holding back.</p><p>“I will bring him back to you on one condition,” she said sternly, like the twisted mother figure she was. “Sam, I need you to return to the car because what I’m about to ask Dean to confess might be too much for him. I don’t think he would want you to know just yet how much he <em>pines</em> after Castiel. So go away like a nice boy…”</p><p>After throwing another bitchface at her and then his brother, the younger Winchester left the two of them in each other’s confidence.</p><p>Dean couldn’t care less about what her conditions were because his only desire was for Castiel to come back in one piece. But he really and truly underestimated the depth of her care and considerations for him.</p><p>“How could you be so utterly stupid, boy?” Rowena fired back after Sam was safely tucked away in the car. Her eyes flashed. “You never ever sacrifice the ones you love so why have you done it to Castiel? I understand that your feelings might be completely confusing because of who he is but you could have gotten him killed!”</p><p>“I couldn’t stop myself,” Dean admitted bitterly. “I have all this…anger that I don’t know what to do with. And I’m angry because—”</p><p>“Wait,” she held up a hand and glared at him. “Before you say anything else, I’m going to create a connection between you and Castiel. And before I bring him back to you, I want you to tell him the truth. Dean. Look at me,” she stepped forward, took his chin and drew those green eyes up enough to meet her gaze. “You have to trust me on this. The truth is all he needs to hear right now because just as you are filled with anger about your feelings, he’s angry because he doesn’t understand why you let him go.”</p><p>“I…can’t,” Dean shook his head and gave in to small sobs, his face contorting from the pain. “He’s going to hate me a lot more if I say the things I want to say.”</p><p>“He wouldn’t,” Rowena said with so much confidence. “Despite all that you’ve done to hurt him, he loves you because he’s soft and tender inside and wants nothing more than to come back to you. Are you ready?”</p><p>Sucking air into his lungs, Dean balanced on the precipice and braced himself for the fall. If he could just push through the doubts and the fears, then nothing would hold him back. It wasn’t like he needed to face Castiel and relate his feelings. Rowena was prepping a connection that would make both of them rely on what was said instead of what was seen.</p><p>After Dean nodded, Rowena took both his hands into hers. “Close your eyes,” she said softly. “And don’t open them until you’re completely drained of all the anger and pain.”</p><p>For a long time he simply battled his mind to communicate with his heart. When the link provided static and nothing sensible, Dean relied on everything he could feel in terms of Castiel, racing through the years behind onto that point; the first time they met and he didn’t believe in angels to holding Castiel in his arms after Lucifer stabbed him. And then the feelings linked together what was supposed to be said into audible sentences.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” he whispered as an opening. Tears stained his cheeks and weak in the knees, Dean softly cried. “Cas, I’m sorry that I’ve pushed you away so many times when all I wanted was for you to…know…the truth. It sucks knowing that my feelings for you come so easily and I have a hard time accepting them. And because I can’t swallow what is real, it’s replaced with so much anger. I don’t know why I’m so angry all the time,” he sobbed. “I just know that most of it happens when I try to fight my feelings.”</p><p>The wind kissed his face, making his tears feel colder. “I lose control when I give in to you. I don’t like…losing my power so I had to…take it back somehow and one of the ways I do that is by trying to control…you. I sent you into hell because I wanted to prove to myself that you didn’t mean so much to me. But I was…I was wrong,” Dean croaked, squeezing Rowena’s hand and feeling his chest heave uncontrollably. “Cas, you mean the world to me. You have…no…idea how much I…love…” Dean stopped because he couldn’t say those three words.</p><p>It wasn’t easy for him, never was. And because he faced a hurdle and couldn’t jump over it, he began to cry. He cried because it was what Rowena wanted him to confess. All of the words narrowed down to a phrase that held so much power, Dean couldn’t give in that easily. But when he thought of losing Castiel, and never having him back, he let go of that power just enough to feel triumphant over the truth.</p><p>“Cas, I’m in love with you,” he said in a voice that was not his own. “You’re going to hate me for saying it because angels and humans can’t do…they can’t be together. And I know you don’t feel the same about me. Ever. But if this is what it takes to bring you back, then I have to do it. And I have to tell you that I love…you, more than a brother or best friend. I can see the confused look on your face right now. Your…adorable…face,” Dean actually smiled and stifled a sob. “You’re the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to me. I didn’t believe that miracles can happen until I met you and you saved me and now that I’m completely in love with you, it’s the only reason I keep living and breathing. And if I can’t have you…I don’t need to live a life that’s empty without you. I just want you back.”</p><p>Because his hands were so cold, Dean stood for a long time, eyes still shut, swimming in the relief of letting go of the pain inside of his chest. He couldn’t understand why he never prayed the truth to Castiel before. Perhaps then the burden would be less detrimental and he wouldn’t be there begging Rowena to bring the angel back. But everything happened for a reason. He needed to lose the person he loved more than anything else to embrace the truth. And because he was so caught up in what he was feeling, Dean didn’t realize the change.</p><p>When he did, it was only because Rowena’s hands were too small to feel so heavier between his grasp. Her fingers were slimmer, her nails longer. Her hands were cold and not so warm and comforting. And when the realization sunk in, of whose hands he was holding, Dean stopped breathing.</p><p>Slowly those green eyes fluttered open to reveal the truth; that Rowena was replaced by the angel who gazed back at him with pools of blue. Those same eyes always disarmed Dean, regardless of the situation.</p><p>In that moment when they looked at each other though, Dean’s tears flowed freely again. His chest gathered a wealth of coldness from the actuality of facing his worst fear. And because Castiel was back in his life, in the flesh, Dean felt an immense amount of relieve gradually.</p><p>Castiel though, was not an open book. He held onto Dean’s hands and locked their gaze as if the world around them didn’t matter at all.</p><p>“You can go ahead and end me now,” Dean whispered through his tears, hands trembling and knees still weak. “Because I deserve it.”</p><p>“Why would I <em>end</em> you?” Castiel’s gravelly voice was so soothing to the other man’s ears. “When you’ve just opened up your heart to me? That’s not worthy of punishment.”</p><p>“Cas—”</p><p>“Dean,” the angel interrupted, in a pleading tone. Those blue eyes were so mellow. “Did you ever think that you’ve always held an immense amount of power over me? I always come when you call. I’m always here by your side. I never stop fighting for you. To save you. I’m so vulnerable because of you and you’re the reason why I started to <em>feel</em> in the beginning. Have you forgotten?”</p><p>Shaking his head slowly, Dean bit his lips.</p><p>Castiel closed the distance between them and immediately, Dean lost control. The manner in which he trembled was too much to conceal and when the other man released their hands to wound his arms around the hunter’s waist, the air between them mellowed into a warmer feeling.</p><p>It was blissful when Castiel rested their foreheads together. It was beautiful when their parted lips shared their breaths and although the kiss was craved for, Dean still teased with a sense of uncertainty.</p><p>He wanted it, to kiss Castiel, more than anything he ever wanted before. And because Dean wanted it, he boldly claimed the other man’s lips without seeking permission.</p><p>Bliss couldn’t exactly describe what Castiel tasted like. The soft kiss entertained the warmth of the angel’s lips, the kind of comforting warmth that Dean could never dream of because he always believed that angels weren’t capable of tasting or feeling the way Castiel did. In that moment, Dean realized that the man he loved was really kissing him back softly, tilting his head to accommodate the depth of seeking out each other’s love. And because Castiel didn’t complain or push him away, Dean captured the angel behind the neck and pulled him closer.</p><p>Then he kissed him deeper than before, their tongues swirling together sensually and moans unearthed filling the air around them. Castiel felt so warm and alive through his clothes, it was mind-blowing for Dean to finally add substance to his dreams. Soft and warm and human and…</p><p>“Dammit, Cas,” Dean’s voice was so husky as he broke the kiss barely enough to gaze into blue eyes. “You’re driving me crazy.” He grinded their hips together and managed to pull a gasp out of the other man.</p><p>Castiel’s parted lips trembled. “Dean, I want you. All of you. I want to see you…” boldly he cupped the hunter between his legs and those desperate fingers travelled upwards, tracing the bulge in Dean’s pants.</p><p>“Cas, don’t,” trembling in the angel’s arms, Dean leaned forward and nuzzled his face into the warmth of honey and vanilla. “Sam’s in the car. As much as I…want to comply right now, we can’t and we shouldn’t take things so fast.”</p><p>Capturing the hunter behind his head and driving fingers through soft hair, Castiel rested his lips on the shell of Dean’s left ear. “I’ve waited over ten years to have you. Now that I finally do, do you even think that I would want to take things slow? I want you to make love to me, Dean to compensate for the time lost. I want to taste you until you’re begging me to forgive you for throwing me into hell. Because I can make you beg, Dean. And you will beg.”</p><p>“Cas.”</p><p>“I’m still mad at you,” the angel’s voice grew smaller as those blue eyes darkened. “So, so mad at you for what you did.”</p><p>“I’ll make it up.”</p><p>“You better,” Castiel rubbed their noses together affectionately and grazed their lips together. “Now let’s go back to the car because Sam is getting twitchy.”</p><p>Suddenly Dean realized the absence of someone else. He studied Castiel’s eyes and frowned. “Cas, where is Jack?”</p><p>Those blue eyes welled up with tears. Tenderly, the angel linked their fingers and in that moment, Dean understood and he hated himself even more for focusing on his desires instead of the rest of people who mattered. Jack had become like a son, one that he shared with Castiel, the two of them coparenting and maybe the guilty notion of their bond shared with the Nephilim was just that…guilty. But Dean loved the little guy.</p><p>“Jack’s um…he’s not…Dean,” Castiel’s face contorted from sadness, “he’s dead.”</p><p>“Dammit,” tenderly containing the angel’s face between his palms, Dean rubbed his thumb over the other man’s cheeks to wipe away the tears. “Is he <em>dead</em> dead or is there a way that we can…”</p><p>“We can’t do anything at this point to bring him back. He’s <em>dead</em> dead. Oh, Dean. It was so terrible. I’ve only ever felt this kind of pain every time I lose you mostly but when I lost Jack, I…”</p><p>“Come here,” Dean sheltered the man he loved into an embrace as he tried to block out the rest of the world from them. “I love you and we will get through this as we always do. But it will take time.” Castiel cried softly into his shoulder and the two of them swayed on the spot as Dean’s eyes glistened. “We’ll get through this, Cas.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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